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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Life altering experiences

Well, it's been a while since I blogged about my life. Since the last post, our world has changed dramatically.

The new doctor that I started seeing was a God send. She along with the Great One, allowed us to conceive at last. On 4/4/09 I had an IUI and became pregnant with twins, due Christmas Day. An early ultrasound showed one baby wasn't making it, but the other was growing just fine. It was an amazing blessing to finally be pregnant!!! The baby grew and developed, and I was plagued with morning sickness and loving every minute of it.

The OB sent me for routine first trimester screening, all of which came back completely normal. Thank you God!! The weeks went by, and the baby grew and developed nomally, despite me having caught Fifth's Disease at 15 weeks. Finally, at 18 weeks we learned that our dreams had come true. We were indeed expecting the daughter of our dreams!! What a glorious day that was!! The boys and I celebrated with a trip to BabiesRUs to get their new baby sister a coming home outfit. They chose a cute pink outfit with polka dots, and a little lamb on it, along with the blanket to match. How very fitting this would turn out to be, since her name is Rachel Marie. Rachel, means female lamb in hebrew.

Rachel grew, and I grew, and every visit with the OB was great, although my blood sugars were creeping up, and soon I would likely go on insulin to control it. I saw the doctor at 22 weeks and the ultrasound was great. She was head down now, although she liked to move and groove, so I knew she likely wouldn't stay that way. The OB visit was good, and I was set to take the glucose tolerance test at the next visit on 9/28. Little did I know that I wouldn't have that visit, nor would I need to drink the disgusting orange drink.

Friday September 18 was a normal day for me. I took the kids to school, came home, went back to bed, got back up, and waited on them to get home from school. It occurred to me around 3pm that I hadn't felt Rachel moving that day. I chalked it up to my anterior placenta, and pulled out the doppler for some reassurance. Only, there was no reassurance, just silence. I searched frantically for about 30 minutes trying to find my baby's heartbeat, to no avail. I phoned the OB, whose nurse told me to come straight to labor and delivery and they'd find her for me. I hurried to get myself put together, not even bothering to take a shower, and drove to the hospital as quickly as I could. I barely remember the drive over, despite talking on the phone to my friend Brenda. Royce met me at the hospital, and our friends Vito and Jessica came to take the boys back to their house while we were trying to see what was going on with the baby. I was admitted and taken to triage. The nurses tried to get her heartbeat, all while trying to reassure me that they often had trouble with anterior placentas. I knew better. I already knew what they were going to tell me. The chief OB doctor comes in with an ultrasound machine to have a look. I knew before he said anything that she was gone. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! How could this be happening? She was fine the night before. How could my baby have died? Why did she die? Why did God take my child from me, the one I'd tried so hard to conceive, the one that we had dreamed about, prayed about, the sister my boys prayed for every night before bed? How could He do this to my family?

My OB was called in, and when he got there, he was so upset for us. He is the nicest, most caring, genuine man you'll ever meet. Not only that, but he's a Christian, and I'm so thankful God led me to him when I had to find a new OB back in 2007. He sat and cried with us. He did another ultrasound to try to see if she had a cord around her neck or anything abnormal. She had some swelling/fluid in her brain and her belly, but everything else seemed fine. I would have to be induced and deliver her. I had heard of these poor women who suffered 2nd or 3rd trimester losses in the past, and they'd had to deliver their dead babies. I felt like this was the cruelest thing any mother could possibly go through, and now I was one of them. I was facing my worst fears.

It was a long 22 hour labor, of which I labored unmedicated for 21 hours. I did the best I could, knowing that an epidural for me would be extremely difficult with my bad spine. I used the birth ball, I walked, I swayed, I knelt, I did everything I could to get Rachel to come without me having to have an epidural, but my body refused to let go of this little girl. It knew she wasn't ready to be born, but it didn't know that she was already gone and that it was okay to let go. Finally I decided to consent to the epi, knowing I'd probably change my mind once the anesthesiologist came. He asked about my spine, what kind of surgery I'd had, filled out some forms, and he quickly got to work. At this point, I was 3cm and the contractions were right on top of each other with double peaks at times, and lasting what seemed to be an eternity. He worked for 45 minutes, hitting every nerve, bone, and piece of scar tissue as he tried desperately to thread the catheter down my spinal column so he could give me some relief. I screamed, I moaned, and even begged him to just take a hammer and hit me in the head. I knew he must have been sweating bullets himself. I was a wreck, begging and pleading with the Lord to help this poor man and guide him so he could give me pain relief. I pleaded with Rachel to just let go, and come to my arms. Finally, after what seemed like a million years, he got it in, and was able to give me some relief. I wasn't out of pain completely, because while I was sitting there waiting on the epidural to be placed, Rachel descended and was now ready to be born.

My OB wanted to give me about 2o minutes to rest before we started pushing. So, I tried to catch my breath and rest, but the pain was still enough that I had to moan through it. Finally, it was show time. He broke my water, and I pushed through 2-3 contractions, and out came my angel Rachel Marie. He quickly put her on my chest. She was beautiful, and so very tiny. She had the most beautiful rosebud lips, and light reddish brown hair. She had her Momma's long fingers, arms and legs. She had Momma's button nose that the boys also have. She was absolutely beautiful, just perfectly still. No one prepares you for the silence that comes from a stillbirth. It's deafening. It's not normal, but then, nothing in life will be normal again from here on out for us. The OB had a hard time with my placenta, and it wouldn't detach, so he had to manually remove it. THAT my friends was excruciating!!! I thought he'd pull out my tonsils for sure. Finally, he got it all out, and I was left to recover.

We spent an hour with Rachel, just DH and I. Then we sent her to the nursery to be weighed, cleaned, measured, and dressed before her brothers came to see her. Family came in and gave us lots of love and support. Vito and Jessica brought the boys to us, and Rachel was brought back to us as well. We spent some time just the 5 of us. They wanted to see her, touch her, get a good look at her. Zach just wanted to love on her and pet her. The pain in my children's faces was enough to kill me. As if the pain I was in wasn't enough, I had to watch them go through this too. It just wasn't fair. We took lots of pictures, and the rest of the family came in to meet her. It was so nice to have everyone there supporting us, and loving us during the most difficult thing we have ever endured. We couldn't have made it without them. Finally, as family left, we spent some time with Rachel alone again, and then decided we needed to let her go. It was painful seeing her now, as she was looking rough. I kissed her goodbye, and Royce had the nurse take her. I wish now that I'd held her for the rest of the night or as long as I could. You are in such a fog, that you can't make rational decisions. The few moments you spend with your stillborn child here on earth are all you have with them until you are reunited in Heaven.

We had visitors that night, and I finally cried myself to sleep around midnight. The next day we signed the paperwork to have her autopsied, since until then, we didn't know of any problems at all, and needed answers as to how a perfectly healthy baby could simply just die like that. The hospital gave us a beautiful keepsake box, with her hand and footprints inside, some literature about loss, her gown, and hat that she wore, the blanket we wrapped her in, and a blanket the ladies auxiliary made for us with her name and date of birth. The nurses and staff were simply amazing and we couldn't have asked for better care. We left around 5 pm and headed home, not realizing how much our lives had just been changed.

2 comments:

jane said...

Katinah... that is so beautifully written.... thank you for sharing...
jane (frejas mom)

Princess Sarah said...

Katinah.....I read this and cried.
I too lost a baby at 26 weeks....I lost him due to Hydrops Fetalis....which is fluid that is found in the babies body in different chambers....for different reasons. Did your doctors think that is what caused you to lose your precious baby?